An Open Letter to My Boyfriend

When you said that you would not have gone to New York if we had met sooner, I thought that meant you might come back. When you said you loved me, back in February, I thought that meant we'd try to see each other often and that you would probably come back. When I made you the only one, I assumed you were coming back.

I guess I just screwed myself thinking that way and cultivating a relationship that apparently would never work. I feel like I've given myself to you - the honesty, the being real. There really haven't been pretenses between us . . . But I did "assume" and so certainly I did not understand that we were being honest, perhaps, but not communicating our needs to each other. And our needs clearly differ.

I need someone who can be with me. You are satisfied with every other week. I can not be mobile -- I have a job, kids, and my family here. I could not leave if I wanted to. I understand that you have been able to tolerate a long distance relationship before. I also know that you relocated to be with your ex. I'm sure that, in your mind, you're saying, "I'm not doing that again!"

I respect that. I'm not sure that I want to get married again - same deal - once bitten, twice shy. The last thing I want is for you to unhappily move here because of me. Frankly, if you do end up back here, I'll always think it was because of me - and that will make me feel guilty. Us living together will never be the same in my mind . . .

It was very difficult for me to say, "I love you" tonight. I'm pretty shattered. I've been upended -- and everything I thought about what disappointment and confusion and anger. I feel like I've been duped.

I'm sure that's not what you meant at all. You love me - on your own terms - terms that do not conflict with your career choices. I understand that. Not too long ago I would have said that I love you and want to spend time with you - just on my terms - terms that do not require me to be alone when you're not around.

I gave up something important to me - companionship and intimacy - so that we could make a go of it. I didn't think I would be giving up companionship and sex forever. I thought you would eventually fill those needs.

Now, I feel like there's really no point in my loneliness and un-met needs. It doesn't have to be this way. I kept saying to myself that "things will change." I just thought, hopefully, that the change would mean you'd look for work here and I wouldn't have to be alone.

I cannot really afford to travel to New York once a month. I can't afford the gas or the wear on my car or the time. I don't have any money and I need time for my work (and perhaps a second job) and my kids. I have enough problems without adding a long distance relationship to the list.

I honestly don't know where this leaves us. I do know that I've learned not to assume you know how someone feels and what their needs are - or that their needs are the same as your own. It's funny that, in all the honesty, we still failed at communication.

Perhaps I shouldn't take this so hard, but I am - and that's real - and I can't change how I feel about our distance. . . And, again, I don't know where this leaves us.